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  Back in the day, my mother had a successful and glamorous career in public relations. From the outside it seemed like a perfect fit. She’s creative, which helped her come up with unique pitches for her clients. She’s a people person, which helped her tame even the toughest Hollywood types. And she’s beautiful and dresses well, so she even looked the part. She started out in the entertainment field. But when a certain actor, who shall remain nameless, threw a tantrum because he didn’t get the cover of Newsweek or Time to promote his comic book movie in the midst of an international crisis, she was stunned. She fled to corporate PR, hoping to find a saner environment. What she found was enormous pressure to pitch and spin the media in order to portray one’s clients in the most advantageous way, regardless of truth or reality. This high-powered, glamorous career left her feeling miserable and empty.

  After doing some serious soul-searching, she decided to go back to school and pursue a career in psychotherapy. She so loved her work that fourteen years after being licensed, she decided to further her professional development by earning a doctorate in psychoanalysis, a goal she is close to achieving. Today she is a successful therapist, living her life happily, authentically, and in harmony with her true calling.

  You may have the right skills to do a job well, but if they don’t correspond with who you are at your core, you’re not going to be happy. Take a long hard look at what you believe, and make sure your actions reflect your spirit.

  TRY IT, YOU MIGHT LIKE IT!

  Is there anything you’ve always been curious to try but that has always seemed too “out there” or too far afield from your life? How do you know whether you’ll like something if you’ve never done it?

  It is crucial that you stay as open as possible to what your true calling might be. A lot of us rule things out before we have the experience or information to judge them. Of course, that doesn’t stop us from judging them. More often than not, when we react to something new, it’s negative. It’s just the way we’re programmed.

  I see this all the time on The Biggest Loser. On season seven, for example, I decided I was going to teach my team how to surf. (Okay, so I wanted to go surfing. Why shouldn’t they come, too?) But I thought I was never going to hear the end of the bloody objections: “We’re fat, we can’t surf.” “I don’t like sand getting everywhere.” “It’ll be cold.” “I’m going to look like Orca in my wet-suit.” Bitch moan, moan bitch—it went on for days leading up to our beach outing. The day came. They got into their suits, onto their boards, and into the water. Then something amazing happened. (I knew it would all along, not to brag or anything.) Every single one of them fell in love with surfing. They got to meet other surfers who came to hang out and help me teach them and give them pointers. They got to see dolphins and seals playing just feet away from them in the ocean. They got a great workout paddling around, and they even caught a few waves. Suddenly I had a pack of surfers on my hands. Now it was “When can we go out again?” “Can I try a different board next time?”

  Our lives can get pretty routine, and sometimes what you need most is to shake it up a little, try something new, out of the norm, something that feels out of your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to get a little crazy. You don’t know if you’ll like something until you try it, so don’t cut yourself off, out of ignorance or fear of the unknown, from opportunities that might hold the key to your future.

  WORKING IT OUT

  I’m pretty discerning about whom I take advice from. But when I think someone has wisdom to offer, I’m ready to listen and evolve, and I try to learn new things every day. So I’m going to quote another writer I love, Dr. Wayne Dyer, who said: “Being in-Spirit is a direction we take, rather than a destination to be reached. Living our life in-Spirit requires us to determine that direction, and we do so by noticing our thoughts and behaviors.… Once we begin to observe our thoughts, we realize that there are many times we’re going in the opposite direction.”*

  That, in a nutshell, is what this chapter’s thought-exercises are about. Your answers to the questions have to come from your heart, not from your head. Don’t write something down because you think you should. This isn’t about what anyone else thinks you “should” be. It’s about you finding out who you are. The key to finding your meaning is authenticity, so really listen to yourself as you think about all the questions. Remember, you are here for one reason and one reason only: to be you, no matter how long it takes to figure out what that means. That’s really your only choice anyway. Everyone else is taken. So that’s your job, and the only contribution you need to make to the world.

  WORK HISTORY, EDUCATION, AND VOLUNTEERING

  Do you like the structure and resources of a corporate environment or do you prefer a more casual, intimate setting?

  Do you like the adventure of a start-up or the relative stability of something more established?

  Are you more comfortable with physical labor or sitting at a desk?

  Have you enjoyed giving back to the community in a particular way, like helping out at the Humane Society or delivering meals to the homebound elderly?

  HOBBIES AND INTERESTS

  What is your favorite thing in the world to do?

  Did you like drama class in college or some other pursuit that you’ve since abandoned?

  In your “ideal day,” what do you picture yourself doing?

  APTITUDES AND PREFERENCES

  Do you like the independence of working alone or the collaboration of working as part of a team?

  Are you good at scientific pursuits or are you more of a creative type?

  VALUES AND ETHICS

  What beliefs are you most passionate about? Are you an animal lover, a humanitarian, an earth lover?

  TRY IT

  Have you always wanted to try skydiving, hang gliding, or something else crazy? Or have you ever wanted to take a class in business management, or something a little less “crazy”?

  * Dr. Wayne Dyer, Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling (New York: Hay House, 2006).

  CHAPTER TWO

  IT’S ALL IN THE DETAILS

  After the last chapter’s work, you should have a general idea of what your big dreams are. Now we’ll fine-tune.

  Many people assume that once you have a general direction, you’re all set. Not so. When you have a vision for your life in place, you need to break it down into smaller goals, clearly defined milestones that help you measure your progress and stay on track. “Making more money” and “getting married” are fine dreams to have, but they are not goals. It’s like the difference between saying you’re going northeast and saying you’re going to the Empire State Building. One is just a point on the compass, the other a definite location. With the first, you’ll have no clear idea when you’ve found it. With the second, you’ll know when you’ve arrived.

  If you are not crystal clear about what you want to accomplish, you’re likely doomed to spend your life working for the goals of those who are; you will wander aimlessly or build a life that’s not right for you. You may make some money but hate the job in which you make it. You may get married, but it might not be a healthy marriage replete with love and respect. If you aren’t specific about your goals, your life won’t resemble anything you consciously set out to create. And ultimately you will be left with the sinking feeling that maybe you took a wrong turn somewhere along the way, asking yourself, How on earth did I get here?

  I’m going to refer back to my Biggest Loser contestants again. Every day I spend hours, and I do mean hours, beating the crap out of them physically and chipping away at them emotionally. I do this daily wrecking-ball routine because to rebuild something from its foundation, you have to break it down first. But to be successful, the contestants have to know it’s worth it. Otherwise it becomes torture and abuse—nothing more than a pointless punishment. And it’s a punishment that seems to know no end, until they are eliminated from the Biggest Loser ranch, thanking God it’s finally over. So where is the building part
of the exercise? In their intention, in what they are going after in the process.

  They must bring to their experiences a clear and deliberate intention to make their dreams a reality. I first help them attach to a dream, as we discussed in Chapter 1, so they understand that all the pain they are enduring has a purpose and a meaning. Then I help them fine-tune it with detail and clarity, so they can move beyond pain to health and happiness. So when we go into the gym and I’m administering the beatings, they visualize their bodies getting leaner, stronger, and healthier, and they envision all the details of what being thinner and in better shape will mean for them. They think about how sprinting on the treadmill will translate to sprinting after their young children at play. How lifting weights in the gym will allow them to carry their fiancées across the thresholds of their homes. You get the idea.

  Again, whatever the dream is, as you work toward achieving it, you must keep it in your sights. Nietzsche said in his book Twilight of the Idols, “If we have our own why of life, we shall get along with almost any how.” Most folks don’t love broccoli or the StairMaster, but they are worth putting up with, even embracing, whether your goal is to wear skinny jeans or to one day meet your grandchildren’s grandchildren—or both.

  You may have seen me ask the contestants why they want to be on the show—to fine-tune their intentions. Without fail, they always hit me back with the same answer: “Because I want to be healthy.” They’ll look up at me, smiling, so sure they’ve given me exactly the answer I want to hear, and that now I’ll lay off them, go easy on them, or pick on someone else. Yeah, right.

  That answer is lukewarm, to put it generously. In the geographical analogy, it’s like saying, “I’m heading northeast.” If you asked someone where they were going on vacation and they answered you that way, you wouldn’t have any idea where they were actually going. Well, it’s the same with saying you want to “be healthy.” What does being healthy mean for you? What does it look like physically, personally, and professionally?

  Does it mean living to see your grandchildren graduate from college? Does it mean running a marathon? Does it mean wearing skinny jeans or having sex with the lights on? Does it mean being debt-free and owning your home? Does it mean being happily in love and in a stable, supportive relationship? Does it mean all of the above?

  Let’s look at the fine lines and details that create your dream. What does your dream really look like? Let’s crystallize that vision so you can start to bring intention to even your smallest actions, so that everything you do is a step toward realizing that dream.

  Here’s a strange but true fact about us complicated humans: our brains can’t actually distinguish all that clearly between real events and imagined ones. So by using creative visualization, you can harness the power of the mind to define your purpose. Using your imagination, you can create a memory bank of positive experiences that will motivate you and improve your self-image. In turn, these visions will help you believe in your potential to make your dreams a reality. There is a right way to do this. Let’s go through it step by step.

  WORKING IT OUT:

  MASTERING THE DREAM

  CREATE A REALISTIC VISION

  In creative visualization, you don’t get to defy the laws of nature. Don’t imagine yourself flying, becoming invisible, or magically making your mother-in-law disappear. Nothing ridiculous, okay? I know this sounds silly, but a lot of times by creating goals that are impossible to achieve, we set ourselves up for failure. Your vision has to apply your dream to your life realistically. Certain things about yourself aren’t going to change. For example, if you’re five foot three (like yours truly) and love basketball, being drafted into the pros is not a realistic vision. You’re never gonna be able to dunk like LeBron. You can become a great player, though, and join a local amateur league, an international team, maybe even coach. Get the idea?

  BE SPECIFIC

  The more detail you can add to your vision of success, the better. For example, if you are visualizing yourself in a new job, remember to picture things like the commute, your new wardrobe, the way you’ll look in the clothes, the kinds of people you’ll be meeting, the work hours, and the potential sacrifice in time for family or hobbies. Even picture the kind of workspace you’d like—the light, the sounds, and so on. Use your current life as a template, and think of how your days will change moment by moment. The more details you throw into your vision of yourself as a success, the more vibrant and alive it will become in your mind, and the easier it will be to work toward it.

  FEEL IT

  You need to associate emotions with the things you are imagining for yourself. Attaching feelings to your visions will make them more real to you. As you visualize your dream job, picture what it will feel like to come home every evening knowing you have worked all day at something fulfilling and meaningful. Picture the excitement you will feel if you achieve your goal. Really enjoy this part of your visualization—let your emotions sweep you up.

  When I was a kid, my dad had a vintage muscle car. As a kid I thought this car was the coolest thing in the entire world. I saw it as the ultimate symbol of success. Once I had one of my very own, I would know I’d made it. But my fantasy didn’t stop there. For years I imagined ripping around Malibu in that car. I’d feel the exhilaration of roaring through the canyons. I’d revel in the sense of freedom that would flood over me as I drove down the coast, breathing in the ocean air. Well, that vision became a reality. In 2008 I bought a ’67 Camaro convertible, and I have literally lived every single one of those imaginary scenes again and again. Whenever I’m feeling stressed out or overwhelmed, I go for a drive in that car, and I’m instantly happy, just as I was in my imagination all those years ago. It’s superficial, maybe, but it’s my dream, so back off and start working on your own.

  By connecting to your visualization emotionally, you can approach your dream as though it already exists. Instead of marinating in sorrow at not having what you want, switch it up and indulge in the feelings that come with experiencing exactly what you want. You get what you give, so try at all times to come from a place of feeling life’s abundance. Send this kind of positivity out into the cosmos, and you will get positive things back. (See Chapter 3 for a whole lot more on that.)

  SENSE IT

  Engage your physiology, and you can bring your body in on the visualization as well. I want you to feel the physical sensations in the vision. If you’re visualizing a swish at the free throw line, feel the powerful jumping movement explode through your legs and then the descent of your body lowering back down to the ground. If you’re visualizing being fifty pounds thinner, imagine what it will be like to fit into a great dress and walk around feeling slim and healthy. If it’s your dream to teach kids how to ride horses, imagine how it will feel to be outside all day. Feel your vision as if you’re already there and it is actually happening to you. By connecting emotion to physiology, you are completely engaging yourself. It may sound silly, but top athletes use this particular technique a lot, and studies have shown that Olympians with the most gold medals incorporate visualization into their regular practice. Attaching physical sensations to your mental musings makes them all the more familiar and real.

  GET EXCITED ABOUT THE PROCESS

  You may be thrilled at your vision of success, but can you generate the same positive feelings when it comes to doing the work to achieve your goal? If you visualize yourself winning the Tour de France, can you see yourself sticking with the strenuous practice schedule needed to get there? The strict dietary guidelines? Do you see yourself being okay with spending that much of your time on it? Will you be able to find the process enjoyable and empowering? You must envision yourself being happy doing the work to achieve your goal—because there is going to be work.

  Think about what you’re actually going to have to do to get where you want to be, and then feel the joy that doing these things will bring you. If you can’t get excited about the work, then your ultimate vision may be o
ut of alignment with your essential being. You don’t have to love every second of every step of your journey. But overall you have to be able to see yourself doing the work, going through the process, and finding happiness within it.

  CREATE A VISION BOARD

  Vision boards are kind of a thing right now—even Oprah’s doing them. I have to tell you, they’re kind of fun, a little like being in an arts and crafts class at summer camp. The idea is very simple, although you can get as creative and elaborate as you want. Get a corkboard and assemble images and pictures of your goal. Put anything and everything you want on there. Seriously. Houses, cars, awards, luxury travel, six-pack abs. Go to town, be shameless. See a picture of something else you want? Slap it on there! I’m always adding to mine. I’m on my third corkboard.

  This exercise is key in that it urges you both to have fun and to learn more about your dream. It’s sort of a visual equivalent to writing your goal down (which we’ll get to in Chapter 10). It helps you guide your mind toward positive thoughts of success, solidify your agenda, and form that all-important emotional connection to the things you want. Keep your vision board where you will see it as often as possible. Put one in your office. Create one as a screen saver. The more exposure you have to your goal, the more it will become a reality in your subconscious mind.