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  Do say

  “I am capable and prepared to give a kick-ass presentation.” Your mind takes in the words capable, prepared, and kick-ass, and moves into a place of self-assurance, allowing you to relax and give a powerful presentation.

  Don’t say

  “I will make plenty of money and have the security I want and deserve.” This statement puts success in an unknown, unspecified future, leaving you in a state of limbo in the present.

  Do say

  “I have plenty of money and the security I want and deserve.” Even if you don’t have plenty of money, if you focus on the having, rather than the lack of having, you will attach yourself to the feeling of having. And when your mind attaches to something so positive, look out world!

  TURN IT AROUND

  The idea behind this next exercise is to utilize your positive affirmations and literally create an antidote for each negative statement you hurt yourself with, thereby reversing its effects. First, make a list of all the negative things you think about and say to yourself on a regular basis. Don’t hold back—get it all out on the table so we can see what we’re dealing with. Now, the hard part.

  Take every single one of those statements, and turn what your mind latches on to as negative into something positive. My favorite example for this comes from, of all places, a commercial about athletic shoes. A woman was talking about her “thunder thighs,” but instead of taking it to a negative place, she turned it around by acknowledging how strong they are, how far they could carry her when she ran, and best of all, how she looked forward to bouncing her grandchildren on her powerful “thunder thighs” when she was older.

  You can do this with anything. It can be challenging, but work at it, as often as possible. In turning things around, you are retraining your mind to support and nurture you rather than cut you down and hold you back.

  Here are some other examples: Do you call yourself stupid every time you make the tiniest mistake? Back up from that strong negative language and remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes—it’s a positive sign that you’re living, doing, and being. And you never know where your mistakes will lead.

  Work on your own list. Don’t be afraid to get creative. Our minds are prone to negativity, and so it’s important to be armed and ready with enough positive thinking to keep the negative hounds at bay.

  HOW DO I LOVE ME? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

  It’s pretty easy to rattle off a list of things we don’t like about ourselves. (Don’t go putting that theory to the test—just take my word for it and keep reading.) But how often have you spent any real time thinking of things about yourself that are awesome?

  We live in a society that subtly tells us that it’s better to be modest, even self-deprecating, than to acknowledge our brilliant qualities. Well, guess what: it’s totally fine to feel good about yourself. This doesn’t mean you think you’re better than other people. It just means you appreciate and value who you are.

  Living small and dumbing yourself down are not doing the world any favors. Remember, winning does not necessarily require that others lose. The fact that you think you’re special doesn’t mean the guy next to you isn’t special, too. If you think you are great and deserving, that doesn’t mean you think others are less deserving. Recognizing your strengths is healthy and an integral part of building self-esteem, so if you’re feeling reluctant, GET OVER IT, and let’s continue.

  When I use this exercise on The Biggest Loser, things usually get off to a slow start because people are so afraid of appearing “boastful” or “arrogant.” So I play a little game I call “I’ll go first”: I start with a positive statement about myself. Then it’s their turn to say something they like about themselves. Once the contestants see me singing my own praises, they feel more comfortable singing theirs. So I’ll go first here, too:

  I love my courage.

  I’m proud of my physique.

  I love that I’m funny. (I really am, I swear.)

  I love that I’m determined and driven.

  I love that I’m intelligent and interesting.

  I love that I’m generous and deserving of others’ generosity.

  I love my eyes—they’re beautiful.

  I love it that I’m a great motorcycle rider.

  I love it that I’m doing my part to change the world.

  I love my taste in nail polish.

  As you can probably tell, I could go on for a while, but you probably want to finish this book at some point. So now it’s your turn. Write down at least ten qualities you love about yourself or are proud of. Whenever you feel crappy, just go to the list and literally recite it to yourself, as a reminder that you are in fact awesome. And whenever you’re feeling great, you can recite the list to remind yourself that you really are awesome.

  I’m not going to bullshit you—this stuff isn’t going to effect change overnight. It isn’t magic. It will take time as well as the diligent application of everything you’re learning in this book to change the way you feel about yourself and to live to your fullest potential.

  But be consistent and shameless—the more often you practice these techniques, the sooner you will notice their effects. Try recording some positive affirmations and playing them while you work out. Post them on your computer desktop so you see them at work. Say them to yourself in the mirror whenever possible, especially first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

  And for those of you who think this is “self-help mumbo jumbo” or are still thinking about the Al Franken skit and laughing, I ask you: how is talking shit about yourself working out for you? My guess is that it isn’t. So practice saying something nice to yourself, please! Even if you don’t believe in it. As I keep saying (all together now), sometimes you gotta fake it before you make it.

  LEARN TO TAKE—AND GIVE—A BLOODY COMPLIMENT!

  Compliments are without a doubt one of the easiest and quickest confidence-boosters out there. And yet for some reason the first thing most of us do when we receive one is to deflect it. I like your hair. “Oh, thanks. I couldn’t do anything with it this morning.” I like your sweater. “Oh, thanks. I’m not sure it goes with these pants.” I like your pants. “Oh, thanks. I got them on sale.”

  Seriously, get over it and take the damn compliment. Even if you don’t believe it, or you think it’s been given out of some ulterior motive—just say thanks and accept it, own it.

  On the flip side of this, giving compliments is another great way to project your own confidence to those around you. By giving compliments freely and genuinely, you are sending the message that you are comfortable with and enjoy other people’s strengths. (Plus, it usually prompts a compliment in return, which is never a bad thing.)

  REACH OUT AND HELP SOMEONE

  Helping another person is one of the most powerful ways you can renew your sense of self-worth and build a healthy ego. It’s a technique I use a lot on The Biggest Loser and Losing It. On season nine of Biggest Loser, for example, we had a contestant named Michael. If you watch the show, you may or may not remember him, but at 526 pounds, he was the heaviest contestant we’d ever had. Being the biggest contestant made him feel like the outcast of the outcasts—I saw it. But he was determined and committed to doing whatever it took to lose the weight. He listened to every word Bob and I said about nutrition, and he diligently applied the advice. He worked tirelessly in the gym and took every beating we doled out. He achieved record weight loss on campus. Basically he was a rock star. But he wasn’t able to see his strengths, because the discovery of them was so new and foreign.

  So one day when we were all in the gym, I noticed another contestant, Ashley, struggling to run her sprints. I asked Michael to help motivate her through it. He was shocked. I was asking him to help someone? He was the heaviest person there—what did he possibly have to offer anyone? At first he protested, but I insisted. So Michael set out to “coach Ashley,” while I continued training my other contestants. He was successful in helping her, and w
hen the day was over, he was walking on air.

  By empowering Michael to help someone else, I indirectly conveyed to him that he was knowledgeable, that he had talents and abilities that were valuable. Helping Ashley gave him a greater sense of purpose and significance, and for the first time he was able to see his true power. He realized that Ashley’s success was in part inspired by his strength, knowledge, and motivation. He left the gym that day a changed man, feeling the true breadth of his potential. And do I even need to tell you, or did you already guess (or watch it)? Michael went on to win the show and lose the most weight in Biggest Loser history.

  When you help someone, you are implicitly acknowledging, and allowing it to be acknowledged, that you are good at something, that you have knowledge and experience to impart, and that you can in your own small way help make the world a better place.

  Now, for those of you struggling with pretty low self-esteem, I have to be very clear about one thing: helping people is not to be confused with codependency, or helping others to your own detriment. This is about paying it forward and being comfortable in knowing that you’ve got enough to give some back. Many of our contestants go on from the show to become trainers themselves, whether formally or informally. They go back home healthy and strong and can’t help but educate their family, friends, and in many cases their entire community about healthy living.

  Koli from season nine was a great football player, so he decided to coach little kids. Pete from season two became a fitness trainer. Michelle from season six went on to become an inspirational speaker empowering women around the country. I could go on and on. The fact is that doing this kind of work keeps people on the straight and narrow and reminds them daily of their competence and value.

  I want you to think about the things that you are good at and the simple ways you can help people in the day-to-day. When it comes to building self-worth, very few things are as empowering and intoxicating. And I guarantee that helping others will ultimately be one of the most powerful actions you can take in helping yourself.

  ESTEEM BOOSTERS:

  TIPS, TRICKS, AND TREATS

  Get something personal done that you have been putting off. The simplest act of taking care of yourself can go a long way in the self-esteem department. Even if it’s something as mundane as doing laundry, cleaning out your closet, or cooking yourself a wholesome dinner instead of ordering takeout, you are sending a message to yourself that you are worth spending time on and capable of being good to yourself.

  Exercise! Of course for me this is huge—I’ve written whole books on the subject. Exercise dramatically enhances your confidence in a number of ways. It makes you feel better about how you look; it releases mood-boosting chemicals in the brain, making you feel better about life in general; and it makes a statement, to yourself and the world, that you are worth taking good care of. Ultimately, when you feel strong physically, you feel strong in other aspects of your life as well.

  Keep up with doctor and dentist appointments, and remember that hygiene is keen. Simple things like keeping your nails trimmed, your teeth white, and your hair cut and healthy make you feel more attractive. Taking care of your health by getting your yearly checkup or biannual teeth cleaning will make you feel significant and reinforce that you matter. When you don’t look after yourself in these ways, it’s neglect. Neglect, either by yourself or by someone else (the one will usually lead to the other), makes you feel inadequate. Don’t stand for it. You are important—treat yourself accordingly.

  Speak up! This may sound crazy, but if there’s one thing I’ve seen work again and again, it’s taking a course in public speaking. You may dread getting up in front of people, but there’s no better way to jump-start your belief in your own abilities than to become comfortable communicating ideas to people. By taking a course, you will be assured a safe environment where everyone is learning. Even if you never have to speak in public, the things you learn can apply to communication in all aspects of your life.

  Celebrate your friends. Have an appreciation session with your friends or loved ones. Take some time to talk about the things you value about each other. It may sound a little cheesy, but it really works, and everyone ends up feeling good.

  Smile! This is one of the simplest and most powerful acts of kindness. There’s actually a special theory that backs me up—the facial feedback theory. Facial expressions send very strong messages to our brains—no big surprise. So when people smile at us, friends, strangers, coworkers, whoever, it’s a small but significant boost to our sense of worth. If you smile at someone, they are most likely going to smile back. Making a conscious effort to smile more on a day-to-day basis will make you more content and confident in the long run.

  ———

  You’ve just gotten through the most intense section of the book, the one that requires the most from your heart and your head. Step One was the magical part, where you got to free yourself and spend some time in your imagination. Step Two was hard! It’s where most of your real work began and will continue long after you put the book down. (Just so you know, Step Three is as simple as following instructions, but we’re not finished here yet.)

  I told you from the word go that this work would require some serious courage on your part. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you don’t do this work, you will suffocate under the weight of your self-loathing and baggage; you must face down these demons or your life will remain unfulfilled.

  Don’t be the blind man clinging to the wall. Have you ever heard that saying “Fearing death is fearing life”? Constantly avoiding, denying, negating, or neglecting due to fear is a spiritual death. For that reason, this is the most worthwhile work you will ever do.

  So now that this work is under way, it’s time for you to take some risks, get uncomfortable, and really embrace life. Let me remind you: when I talk about taking risks, I’m not asking you to volunteer for acts of stupidity or bravado. I’m talking about taking smart, calculated risks. I’m talking about making sure you are as set up for success as is humanly possible. Again, this is not to say you won’t fail—believe me, you will. Lord knows I have. We all do. But the agenda here is positive results and change for the better.

  Think of it this way: let’s say you’re afraid of heights. You decide you want to conquer this fear by going skydiving. Do you muster up the courage one day, haul off, and jump out of a plane at max altitude? HELL, NO. Or at least I sincerely hope not. First, you do research on the sport, identifying the best company to go with, the best equipment to use, the safest places to do it. You find an instructor you trust who teaches you how to pack your chute. You have a backup chute just in case. You survey the topography to make sure you’re not jumping into a forest, mountains, or the ocean. Only when you have analyzed the situation, minimized the risk factors, and taken all steps to ensure success, then and only then do you jump.

  It may sound like common sense, but when it comes to our lives, we often just show up, jump, and pay the price later for our lack of preparedness. Well, no more. You need to apply the same kind of focus and planning to the leap you’re making here. And this is what the next section is all about: bringing deliberate thought and strategic action to all your best intentions, to ensure the greatest possibility of success. Let’s get ready to jump.

  At this point you should take a moment to acknowledge the fact that you’ve come a long way. You’ve learned how to figure out what it is you want. And you’ve learned how to do the internal work to go after it full force.

  Awesome!

  Now what?

  As I’m sure you know, no one has succeeded just by thinking positively and feeling good about themselves. To succeed in life, you have to take action. But how? What’s the first step? Taking action without focus is a recipe for disaster. Luckily, you don’t have to worry about that. Step Three is all about the specific moves you can make in order to go after your dream. Some of the things I talk about will apply more to the professional side of life, some m
ore to the personal, but whatever part of your life you are focusing on, I’m going to give you the tools you need to achieve everything you have in mind and more.

  But first, let’s go back to school …

  CHAPTER NINE

  HIT THE BOOKS—THEN THE DECK

  We will change anything if we feel that it’s worth it and that we are able. Ability is where the education aspect of this plan comes into play. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time we fail because we were improperly prepared. You’re not lazy, you weren’t born under a bad sign, and your genetics have not sentenced you to a life of failure. You may simply have been unable to move forward because you didn’t yet know how; you didn’t have enough information on what to do.

  The solution lies in continued learning. Whether it’s learning from your mistakes or learning something totally new, every bit of knowledge you gain is an extra tool for growth and for meeting new problems and working them out.

  Knowledge truly is power. With the right information, you can make informed choices that will help steer any outcome in your favor. Education brings focus to all your endeavors, and in professional settings it gives you the edge over your competition. Without it, your actions can become like a wrecking ball, out of control and potentially counterproductive. So be sure to learn everything there is to know about the goal you are hoping to achieve. Don’t wait for it to come your way—pursue it. Here are a few ways to start.

  DO YOUR HOMEWORK

  Before you pursue any endeavor, do your homework! Much as in our skydiving analogy in Chapter 8, getting informed allows you to plan an advantageous course of action that helps keep you out of harm’s way and helps ensure results. Planning isn’t hard or costly. All it requires is a little diligence and patience. Spend time studying up on the subject you are about to pursue. Read books on the topic, watch documentaries, listen to podcasts, and search the Internet. Technology provides countless resources for information on almost anything. You may not have direct access to an expert, but the great thing about today’s technology is, you’re not reliant on others to get you the info you need.