Unlimited Page 13
What was going to keep it from happening again?
I took him aside and put some tough questions to him. What had been happening in his life when he lost the weight before? What had been happening when he put it back on? How many years had this cycle been going on? Did any pivotal events coincide with his original weight gain? I grilled him and wouldn’t let him get away with half-assed answers.
If you watch the show, I’m sure you’ve seen me do this before. Without fail, the contestants reach for easy, noncommittal answers: “I don’t know” or “I can’t remember.” But those aren’t answers! Those are the self-defense mechanisms that we all use to shield ourselves from unpleasant truths. Sometimes we need to dig out the unpleasant truths in order to liberate ourselves from whatever is holding us back. Once you start digging, you’ll find the answers are right there, waiting for you to unearth them.
So back to my contestant. I kept up the third degree with him until he was at the point of mental and emotional exhaustion. It was kind of like an interrogation scene from a spy movie, only without the torture. (Contrary to what some people might think, I do draw the line somewhere!) Finally the answers came pouring out of him, and the sad secrets of his past saw the light of day for the first time in fifteen years.
It turned out that he had had an older sibling who became ill and died when he was in his late teens. That was when his weight gain started. His parents had shuffled him from one relative to another while trying to take care of their sick child. While they were doing the best they could under unbearable circumstances, my poor contestant felt that his whole world had vanished—all of a sudden, not only was his sibling suffering from a life-threatening illness, but he had lost the security of being home with his parents. That and the actual death was a lot of loss for anyone to deal with, let alone a fourteen-year-old kid.
When we experience such loss, sadness isn’t the only emotion we feel. This contestant also struggled inwardly with anger—at God for letting this happen to his brother, at his brother for dying, at his parents for abandoning him. Then came shame—shame that he was angry. He must be a horrible person to feel angry—after all, he wasn’t the one who’d lost his life. He also felt guilt and shame that he had lived. And that shame was the root of his self-loathing.
To cope with all his feelings—loneliness, guilt, sadness, anger—he began compulsively overeating. That of course only added to the burden of shame he was carrying around. Sure he’d try to get healthy, but whenever he’d get close to his ideal weight, he’d self-sabotage, because deep down he still felt he had to atone for being a bad person, for living, and so on. Needless to say, the longer this went on, the deeper the original feelings of anger and shame got buried, and the worse the cycle became.
Pretty heavy, right? But the thing is, once he really looked at where his struggles with weight originated, he was able to take the necessary steps to heal and move on. No longer at the mercy of his stifled emotions, he was able to recognize the triggers of his unhealthy habits and sabotaging behaviors. He went back and grieved his original hurt without feeling ashamed. He came to learn that his feelings were justified and need not be buried. This allowed him to work through those feelings and release them, then begin to build up his self-esteem from there. He was no longer putting a minefield between himself and his health.
Self-esteem is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you like yourself, the more you begin to act in likable ways. The more you believe you are able to achieve something, the more likely you are to do so. “You achieve what you believe.” You know I love a cliché. Self-esteem gives you the power to exude the confidence, ability, and assertiveness you need to drive yourself toward your full potential and toward physical and emotional well-being.
So what do you do if you have buried, diminished, or misplaced your self-esteem? Fortunately, there are steps you can take to build and strengthen it. Before we begin, let’s take inventory of your self-esteem today. I’ve put together a little quiz that will help you figure out where you fall on the scale of self-loathing to self-love, and assess how much you’re undercutting yourself with guilt, shame, anger, and self-deprecation. Your answers will shed light on the issues that need working on, to better focus your restorative energy. Let’s do it!
From Self-Loathing to Self-Love
1. Most of the time I am:
a) Happy or content
b) Sad and angry
c) Numb and depressed
2. Whether I am celebrating a success or comforting myself after a bad day, I reward myself with a self-destructive behavior like bingeing, compulsive spending, or drinking too much:
a) Rarely
b) Frequently
c) All the time
3. I am able to communicate my needs to my family, friends, and coworkers:
a) All the time
b) Frequently
c) Rarely
4. When I make a mistake:
a) I allow myself to feel disappointed, then learn from it so I can reapproach the problem and solve it.
b) I am furious with myself and will make sure I win next time.
c) I am devastated and fear trying again.
5. I care what others think:
a) Hardly ever
b) Frequently
c) All the time
6. I hate to look in the mirror:
a) Rarely
b) Frequently
c) All the time
7. I have trouble asking others for help:
a) Rarely
b) Frequently
c) All the time
8. I speak negatively about myself—call myself fat, stupid, lazy, etc.:
a) Rarely
b) Frequently
c) All the time
9. I do nice things for myself:
a) All the time
b) Frequently
c) Rarely
10. I apologize:
a) Only when the problem is directly my fault
b) Frequently, even if the issue isn’t directly my fault
c) All the time. Even if I just bump into someone by accident, I say “sorry” instead of “excuse me.”
11. If my food is not prepared well, or if the order is wrong at a restaurant:
a) I send it right back.
b) I apologize to the waiter and ask if they wouldn’t mind fixing it.
c) I say nothing and eat it anyway.
12. When people ask me to do things, and I don’t want to do them or don’t have time, I do them anyway because I don’t want to disappoint people and prefer to put everyone else’s needs before my own. (Examples: doing carpool for the neighbor, picking up your uncle from the airport, volunteering at your nephew’s school—all in the same week, sometimes the same day.)
a) Rarely
b) Frequently
c) All the time
13. I went on a job interview, but I didn’t get the job, so:
a) I asked the interviewer for feedback, analyzed where I could improve my answers or interview style, trusted that everything happens for a reason, and knew that there would be other opportunities.
b) I knew I wasn’t smart enough for that job. It was out of my league, and I shouldn’t have applied for it.
c) I panicked and feared that I would never work again.
14. When I am complimented:
a) I accept the compliment and say thank you.
b) I get uncomfortable.
c) I negate the compliment.
15. I am comfortable expressing my angry or sad feelings:
a) All the time
b) Frequently
c) Rarely
16. I actively pursue relationships with people I like:
a) All the time
b) Frequently
c) Rarely
17. When a friend or acquaintance gets a promotion or falls in love, I feel:
a) Thrilled for them and inspired by their happiness
b) A little envious, but I know my time will come
&n
bsp; c) Sick with jealousy
SCORE: Add up as follows: (a)=1, (b)=2, (c)=3
RESULTS
17–21 AWESOME: Wow! Really? Good for you! You have a very strong sense of who you are and your value in this world, and you don’t live small for anyone. You respect yourself and aren’t jealous or envious of those around you. You are secure about asking for help because you know you are worth it and that you will one day pay it forward. You lead a balanced, happy life, and when the opportunity arises to grow and improve yourself, you’re always ready.
22–29 PRETTY GOOD: You’re doing better than most. You know who you are and what you’re about. For the most part you feel deserving, and more often than not you put pursuit of happiness at the top of the list. You can get stuck in a rut, but you work hard to dig your way out of it. You are secure enough to work on yourself and will lean on friends and family when you absolutely have to, because you know that when their time of need comes, you can also be supportive.
30–40 NOT SUPER: You aren’t a total mess, but you sure have room for a little healthy ego strengthening. You can be critical and unforgiving of yourself. You find your value by facilitating other people’s happiness and often put their needs before your own. You are quick to take the blame when things go wrong, and you tend to get in your own way by not allowing yourself room for mistakes or time to learn from them.
41–51 REALLY CRAPPY: My heart is breaking for you. Feel that? It’s me coming through the pages and giving you a giant hug. You have no sense of self-worth. You allow the whims of others to define you. You rarely do anything for yourself, and your whole identity is about pleasing others, no matter how much of yourself you have to repress to do it. You beat yourself up and pick yourself apart at every opportunity. This is a horrible way to exist. I hope you are really paying attention to this book, ’cuz buddy, you need it.
———
Do not be bummed if you did poorly. This test isn’t designed to judge you. Its only purpose is to make you aware of your current state, to get you thinking and ready to focus on living your best life. And hey, even if you did as badly on the quiz as it’s possible to do, if you bought this book, it means that you recognize something is off and you’re already taking steps to change it.
Okay, now that we have established where your heart and your head are, we’re ready to get going with some simple methods to help you build, nurture, and fortify your sense of self-worth. On the following pages I’ve outlined some basic thought exercises and have even included some activities you can do to help get you started. As you can see from the quiz results, even if you did great, we all have issues that we can work on and areas of our self-esteem that could do with a little bolstering.
This will not come easily or quickly. Unfortunately, self-esteem doesn’t come in pill form—you have to build it for yourself, and it is going to take some hard and solitary work on your part. It’s sort of like a workout regimen for your spirit—it’ll take some time, and no one else but you can do it. Of course it helps a hell of a lot to have loving, supportive people in your life cheering you on and telling you you’re awesome, but at the end of the day the onus of connecting to and nurturing your inner value falls on you and you alone.
I can tell you that you are unlimited until the cows come home (what does that mean, anyway?), but it only matters if you believe it. It will come if you are diligent.
Don’t be put off by the effort involved. Is there anything more important than your relationship with yourself? I don’t think so. After all, it’s the one thing you can control and it controls all you do.
One last thing: I want to tell you to be prepared for some ups and downs.
Like the pursuit of any worthwhile goal, you may find that you backslide—don’t beat yourself up. You know the five-steps-forward, three-steps-back drill. Remember that success is largely a matter of attrition, of just “showing up” (thank you, Woody Allen). So be patient and loving with yourself, and keep showing up. Even if you don’t feel that what you’re doing is having an effect, it is. Have a little faith—I know what I’m talking about.
Ready?
TAKE STOCK OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
It’s time to start a list. I want you to write down some of the successes that you have achieved in any and every area of your life. These achievements do not have to be life-changing, earth-shattering moments of crowning glory. They can be tiny, anything from accomplishing a good hair day to making a well-cooked breakfast! (I’m not kidding—I made eggs over easy the other morning without breaking the yoke, and I was slapping myself on the back all day. It’s the little things.…) There’s always something you can feel good about and be proud of having done. Did you finally clean out your closets and get those old clothes to the Salvation Army? Did you pay your taxes on time? Did you cook a great dinner for friends or family the other night? Then write it down! There’s no time limit—keep adding to it as you go about your daily life. In this way, you will create a list of successes that you can refer to in times of fear and self-doubt.
Whenever you are feeling afraid or defeated, take out the list—whether it’s recorded on a piece of paper or on your iPhone—and go over it, reinforcing the feelings of competence and strength that come with achieving anything, great or small. When we take note of our achievements, we learn through personal, hands-on experience that we actually are capable. By creating an emotional atmosphere that amplifies your self-worth in this way, you can begin to believe in your abilities to achieve even more.
CREATE A SMALL VICTORY
While the first exercise focuses on successes you have already achieved, this exercise will focus on going out and creating more. Our experiences, whether recent or long past, help us define who we are and what we are capable of. If our life is one where the glass has been half empty, then failure and disillusionment become self-fulfilling prophecies. Now we’re going to use the same trick of the mind to program you for success. The very same thought patterns that have eroded your belief in yourself can also build it back up.
Let’s go back and take another look at Shay from Chapter 5. It’s week one. She is in the gym with Bob and me for the first time. In a matter of days, she could be eliminated from the show and sent packing, back home to keep committing suicide by food. The clock is ticking. Now, Shay is not stupid. She knows that diet and exercise are her keys to weight loss and health—lack of knowledge is not one of her issues. Her problem is much simpler and much more heartbreaking, not to mention much more universal: she doesn’t feel capable of the work or worthy of the end result.
I know that the only way to change that is to create new experiences for her, experiences where she proves to herself that she is capable of strength and success. It doesn’t have to be a huge triumph—it’s not like I’m going to tell her to run a marathon. Any little achievement will do. We then take that achievement, plant it like a seed, nourish it with appreciation, and watch it grow.
So it’s do or die in the gym, literally. I’m trying to get Shay to climb the rotating ladder for thirty more seconds, and she’s totally falling apart. Crying, sliding off the equipment, making all kinds of negative statements: “I can’t do this!” “I’m in too much pain!” “I just want to go home!” She’s working overtime, but at the exact wrong thing—she’s trying desperately to write the same old story that she’s a failure who’s destined for misery. With all the patience I can muster (and you know that’s not my strong suit) I spend a half hour trying to coax her back onto the ladder to do a full thirty-second climb. I’m sweet. I’m kind. I’m loving. Nothing gets through to her. But if she doesn’t climb the ladder, she will see it as one more piece of evidence that she is incapable, further proof that she is a lost cause.
If you saw episode one of season eight, you may remember what happened next. I unleashed. I wasn’t going to let Shay continue telling herself she “couldn’t” ANYTHING. She wasn’t going to continue gathering evidence of her ineptitude, not on my watch. I screamed and curse
d at the top of my lungs: “Shay get on the fucking ladder!!! GET ON THE FUCKING LADDER NOW, SHAY!!!” It was not pretty. I grabbed her by the shirt and literally threw/pushed/pulled her onto the ladder and continued screaming bloody murder at her to climb or else.
And you know what? In those few moments, Shay was so terrified of me that her fear circumvented her internal dialogue of “I can’t.” She was too afraid of me to remember to tell herself that she couldn’t do it, and so she did it. And not just one thirty-second climb either—she ended up doing five that day, and the day after that she did five consecutive minutes. After that she stopped telling herself “I can’t,” and she went on to break the record for the fastest hundred-pound weight loss by a woman contestant.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not suggesting you need to be verbally assaulted, or that a maniac has to threaten to rip your arms off and beat you with them, if you are to escape the negative inner monologue that keeps you down. It’s really up to you to get yourself out of your comfort zone, read from a new script, and give yourself a chance at the life you deserve. As your confidence builds, slowly you’ll begin to realize that the whole notion that you are incapable is utter crap.
How quickly this happens varies from person to person. Some people need to make many little achievements before they snap out of it and realize that they’re actually competent, effective human beings. For others, the “aha” moment is practically instantaneous; they realize with the first success, even if it’s tiny, that everything damning that they have thought about themselves is untrue. The prison in which they have been living is a construct of their imagination, and they’re free to toss those shackles off and fly. Please don’t think I mean that only success will follow—you will have setbacks, trials, failures. But as you slowly build your self-esteem, your self-image will be redefined. You will see yourself as a person who learns from mistakes and overcomes adversity, rather than a person who gets devastated by them.