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  Managing your fear and conquering its crippling effects are going to be a part of your life’s work—you can’t do it all overnight. Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that. Remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s words, and get in there and do something that scares you.

  By taking small, courageous steps, you stretch your emotional fabric and gradually push yourself out of your comfort zone. This will help you accept and get comfortable with the reality that life is unpredictable, change is constant, and risk is necessary if we’re going to live up to our potential.

  And yes, at times, you’re going to fail. We all do it, and we all hate it—me included. But there is a silver lining to this dark cloud. And we’ve all heard it, though we don’t often like it: failure is a far better teacher than success, and for that reason it is a necessary part of your journey. So next let’s take a good hard look at failure.

  PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF …

  Many people (maybe you’re one of them) know they need to make a change, either personal or professional, but they don’t because they’re terrified that if it doesn’t work out, it will somehow mean the end of the world. Or they’re afraid that if they fail, it will confirm every dark thought they’ve ever had about themselves—they’ll finally have proof that they’re not good enough. Some of us worry that if we fail, our friends and loved ones will think less of us, be disappointed in us, even withdraw from us. I know some of you feel this way. Every single person I have ever worked with feels this way. Hell, sometimes I feel this way, and I’m the one writing the book!

  Often we don’t try because then we can’t fail. This choice lets us continue to believe in the possibility that we might be capable. It at least lets us think that we have successfully hidden our weaknesses from others.

  For example, many people who are overweight don’t bother trying to lose weight. They act as if they don’t mind being heavy and pretend they are happy with the way they are. In their heads, they hang on to the belief that they could change if they really wanted to. In truth, their greatest fear is that they will try and fail, sending a message to others that they are weak and lazy and confirming to themselves that they are incapable of change. If they try to lose weight for health as well as happiness but fail, they will be crushed and fear that they will be relegated to a life of unhappiness and unhealthiness. For these reasons, most people don’t risk it—they live in a place I call the “comfortably numb.” I ripped off that phrase from a Pink Floyd song, and I find it utterly appropriate. I use it all the time when describing the emotional and psychological state of many people I work with, heavy or not.

  But you can’t selectively shut down your feelings. When you numb out, the whole limbic system (the main area of the brain responsible for emotions) goes down. You feel nothing. Not happiness, not sadness, not elation, not devastation—nothing!

  In season six of Biggest Loser I met a beautiful young woman called Coleen. As the result of one of the show’s challenges, she had backed herself into a corner—she and her dad had to lose a collective fourteen pounds over the course of the week, or they would face possible elimination. In our workouts that week I was pushing her and pushing her. At a certain point every time, she would just start crying and give up. So I got in her face. I asked her why, at the very moment when she needed to be trying the hardest, she was giving up. She broke down and said that it was because she’d never tried so hard for anything before. Again I asked her why, and she said the idea of failing was too terrifying. At that particular moment she realized how much she had to lose if she didn’t give her all, so she was able to push through, and she went on to great success and triumph on the show.

  Look, there are no two ways about it—failure SUCKS. It’s hurtful, embarrassing, time-consuming, and soul-crushing; it makes you want to crawl into a hole and die. No wonder so many people think the smart option is to play it safe. If I don’t try, I can’t get hurt—sound familiar?

  When you are contemplating taking a risk that could result in failure, the first thing you need to remember is that you will have value whether you fail or succeed. No one is judging you based solely on one failure. And if they are, thank them for showing you who they are, and then show them the door; you can now steer clear of them and keep their negative influence out of your life. Remember that we’re all mirrors, and they’re probably just projecting their own feelings of inadequacy onto you anyway. Bottom line, you don’t have to let it in. Like a mirror, you can deflect it. And as for the judgment you put on yourself if you fail, that’s also bullshit. In truth, by taking a risk you are stronger and braver than most. The only true failure is in not trying.

  There’s nothing fun about falling on your ass, but it’s an essential part of your ascendance, both personally and professionally. You will fail. At least I hope so, because it will mean you are really living, really reaching. Failure teaches you how to succeed. When you learn what you’ve done wrong, you can take steps in the future to get it right. The key to overcoming failure is to use it as an entry point for learning, a way into wisdom. With the right attitude, you can transform any setback into a guide for growth.

  Here’s another story for you. About a year before I auditioned for Biggest Loser, I was up for a VH1 show called Flab to Fab. I desperately wanted the job. I went to the interview and killed it. I talked diet, fitness, psychology. I gave them everything they wanted to hear. I thought I was a shoo-in. All my celebrity clients called on my behalf to put in a good word. My clients knew I was the front-runner for the job, and so did all the other trainers in town. I’ll cut to the chase and tell you what you’ve probably already figured out: I didn’t get the job. I was totally humiliated. I thought my peers would revel in my failure. I thought my clients would see me as a loser and reconsider training with me. But neither of those things happened. Not even a little. Obviously, I had been projecting a deep insecurity inside myself onto others.

  I took a week or so to nurse my bruised ego, then did a little nosing around to try to find out why I hadn’t gotten the job. I had reservations at first; I didn’t know what I was going to learn. I’d already been rejected, and to ask why was almost like rubbing salt into the wound. But I did it anyway because it was about more than my ego. It was about finding out where I had gone wrong and learning from my mistakes and excelling in future opportunities. And here’s what I discovered: I didn’t get the job because they thought my celebrity clientele would make me seem inaccessible to the public. As soon as I found that out, big bells went off—this was my lesson.

  Have you ever seen me do an article or a TV segment about celebrity fitness? No, and you never will, because I figured out at that moment that it does send the wrong message to people. What I do isn’t about getting you to look like a celebrity. It’s about getting you to have your best body, not J-Lo’s or Jennifer Aniston’s, and it’s about living your best life.

  Then a year later Loser came up. I incorporated the lesson from my failure the year before and lined up testimonials from all my soccer moms, baby boomers, and average Joes. We all know how this story ends. Flab to Fab was on for only one season. Had I gotten that job, I would have been under contract and wouldn’t have been free to audition for Biggest Loser, which has turned into an international platform for me to get my message of healthy and fulfilled living out to millions of viewers. To sum it up: I failed, I looked at why, and I made improvements so that the next time opportunity showed up, I was smarter and more prepared. And look where it got me.

  With courage and honesty, you can and will turn failures into tools for success and vehicles for personal growth. The following exercises will guide you through the process. Some of these questions can be painful and horribly uncomfortable to answer—but you know by now that that’s just a sign that you’re doing it right.

  WORKING IT OUT

  Did you lose that job because you were late so often? Do you need to work on your communication skills? Did you mess up a work presentation because you left it till th
e last minute? Examining what went wrong will guide you specifically to what you need to work on. Don’t be scared. This stuff can really hit the ego, hard. But you will grow stronger and smarter, and you will be ready for something better when it comes along.

  HOW MUCH OF YOUR FEAR OF FAILURE IS IRRATIONAL?

  Are the people in your life really going to think less of you if you fail or are you just projecting your insecurities onto those around you? If some of them really would judge you for trying and failing, are they really people you want in your life? I certainly hope not. Now, if this person is someone who’s with you for the long haul, like a family member or in-law, you need to think about ways to protect yourself from their negativity and criticism. Try setting boundaries by limiting the access they have to you and the information you give them.

  HAVE YOU FAILED IN THE PAST? DID YOU SURVIVE?

  As much as we find the idea of failure impossible to stomach, the reality is we have all failed before—and we’re still here. You will survive it. Often on the show I will make the contestants tell me how they’ve failed and survived it in the past. I get them to see that they’ve already been to hell and back, and then I force them to call upon the resilience they’ve already built. If you survived in the past, you’ll survive again—only this time you’ll know how to swing failure to your advantage.

  Another reason we fall into the vortex of the comfortably numb is to avoid pain and suffering, so that’s the point we’re hitting next.

  BREAK THROUGH THE PAIN

  “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places.”

  —ERNEST HEMINGWAY

  Much like failure, pain is something we spend a lot of time and energy avoiding. If we shelter ourselves enough, we think we’ll get through life with no pain. Unfortunately, this isn’t reality. Pain and suffering exist for a reason, and running away does us more harm than good. You will never realize your full potential through an avoidance of pain. You can fight it—we all try to do so. But when you’re exhausted, worn down, and realize that your efforts have been in vain, your best bet is to surrender, lean into it, and let it flow through you. It will leave you wiser and stronger in the end. The only true way out of pain is through it (as in the children’s song: you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you have to go through it).

  “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

  –WINSTON CHURCHILL

  On Biggest Loser season six, we had an amazing contestant named Michelle. She came to the show full of piss and vinegar, determined to go all the way. By week three she was shattered: facing all the emotional pain that had gotten her to 242 pounds and estrangement from her mother seemed unbearable to her. By week five she had had enough and was ready to quit. Usually when someone I’m working with wants to walk out on their health, I let them. I can’t want health for them. All I’m there to do is to give them the tools and to tell them how to use them—they have to do the work, and if they don’t want to, then it’s not going to happen.

  But with Michelle it was different. I couldn’t let her quit because it was working. Her pain was evidence that she was in the first stage of awareness. So I told her that she could quit the show and go home, but she would never move forward in her life until she processed whatever was coming to the surface. So Michelle and I made a pact: I would provide a safe environment for her breakdown, and she would lean into it. If you caught that season of the show, you’ll know she came through the storm and ultimately, on the other side of it, was a smarter, stronger woman. She became so empowered, in fact, that she went on to win the whole competition. She is now happily married and inspiring women all over the world to confront their demons and follow their passions. If she hadn’t allowed herself to feel that pain, she never would have succeeded.

  We spend so much time running from what’s difficult and shutting off our emotions, scrambling to stay in our comfortably numb place. A multibillion-dollar industry is devoted to manufacturing medications that will stop our emotions for us. Are you feeling sad, mad, or anxious? Whatever it is, chances are there’s a pill for it. Awesome. It’s yet another reason I hate many drug companies.

  Human beings have evolved over thousands of years to have emotions. They exist for a reason. Our emotions are like an internal GPS system, guiding us out of unhappy or unhealthy situations and toward what’s right. Remember the hot-cold game from Step One? Your emotions tell you when you’re on track and when you’re off it. You “listen to your gut” and “follow your heart.” When you shut that part of yourself down, when you put your personal TomTom in the glove compartment, it becomes impossible to navigate back to your true path.

  Many people live beneath their true potential because the minute they have a feeling of discontent, they swallow it down with a little Prozac. Their need to move out of the unhappiness dissipates, and they successfully reenter the world of the comfortably numb.

  In most cases, antidepressants and elaborate defense mechanisms don’t bring happiness—they block it. They don’t protect you; they destroy you. Being numb to life is being asleep to its richness and fullness. The only way to know love is to know vulnerability. The only way to know happiness is to know sadness. Your ability to feel one emotion enhances your ability to feel the other. Remember that Kahlil Gibran quote from Chapter 1? “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.”

  So what’s the alchemy that turns pain into wisdom and joy? It’s pretty simple: awareness, honesty, and time. You must be aware of your feelings and honor them by not stifling them. You must bring meaning to your pain by finding the lesson it holds. And with time, both will allow you to “become stronger in the broken places.” It seems impossible to imagine when we are in the grip of suffering, but my mother used to say to me, as her mother used to say to her, and maybe as your mother has said to you … This too shall pass.

  And it really will. Do not shut down. Be present and stay open. Almost every major event in our lives, especially the struggles, has a hidden meaning, and this meaning will serve you more than any other, if you choose to let it. This is the way to turn tragedy into triumph.

  If you get fired, see it as a sign that you were meant for something else. Improve your skills, and pursue something better. If you go through a bad breakup or fall out with a friend, work on the issues that can enhance or deepen your connection in other relationships. Our darkest hours, like our failures, can be our greatest teachers.

  WHEN THE WORST HAS HAPPENED

  What about the kind of pain and sadness that can’t be reasoned with or rationalized, like the death of a loved one? These things happen, and they are truly devastating. All I can offer you is a technique that helps me sleep at night—it’s called logotherapy. (Yes, it has its own name.) Logotherapy was the invention of Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor who created a philosophy to help him get through his time in a concentration camp. The basic principles are these:

  Life has meaning under all circumstances, even the most miserable ones.

  Our main motivation for living is our will to find meaning in life.

  We have freedom to find meaning in what we do and what we experience, or at least in the stand we take when faced with unchangeable suffering.

  Some of you out there are probably good and pissed at me for suggesting that horrible events have some sort of value. Ultimately everyone deals with “unchangeable suffering” in their own way, and I’m not here to start a religion. But personally I believe that to make the best of my situation, I have to create meaning from it, both in the best of times and in the worst. And I figure that if someone could find meaning in something as incomprehensible and horrendous as a concentration camp, my struggles and losses are minor; they are nothing. Let me give you a few examples of how you can apply this technique. This first is from Frankl himself, and it concerns a man who had lost his soul m
ate.

  Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now how could I help him? What should I tell him? I refrained from telling him anything, but instead confronted him with a question. “What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?” “Oh,” he said, “for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!” Whereupon I replied, “You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it is you who have spared her this suffering; but now, you have to pay for it by surviving and mourning her.” He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left the office.*

  When I first read that story, I got chills and cried for about ten minutes straight. Sometimes we have no choice but to suffer and sacrifice, but we can give that suffering purpose by becoming a vessel for goodness in the world. I’m not suggesting you become a martyr. You know that’s not my thing. But if something horrible happens to you and you have no control over it, altruism and a belief in the greater good might carry you through. Frankl’s story about the doctor and his wife is sad, but it’s not rooted in darkness or tragedy. A loss of that kind, although soul-crushing, is part of nature’s plan and for that reason possibly easier to bear.

  But what do we do with life’s unimaginable tragedies—dark events like genocide or murder, based in malevolence and born of evil? (Yes, I do believe that evil exists. It’s not inherent, but born from unmanaged tragedy.) How can such horrors be purposeful and result in goodness in any way? The reality is that if you were involved in these things, you would find meaning in them, and the likelihood is that your sanity would depend on your doing so.