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  Here are two examples from my own life. In the first one I let fear motivate me negatively, and in the second one I let fear motivate me for the best.

  In the past, relationships were not my strong point. I have struggled with intimacy issues my whole life, and I’m still working them out. But looking back I realize that there was one relationship in particular that I sabotaged out of fear. I was a lot younger than I am now, and I was dating someone who was older than me. I was intimidated by that and acted immaturely in the relationship. I would stop communicating and become cold, because I didn’t want to seem weak or needy. I was constantly afraid that this person would hurt me, so I shut down. And ultimately that brought the relationship to its end. If I had been brave enough to voice my feelings of insecurity, to communicate my needs, then it might have worked out differently. But I didn’t see that then. I know now that to find happiness, you have to open yourself up to let it in. As I’m sure you know from your own life experiences, fear that is not handled properly can shut you down and keep you from finding the happiness you deserve.

  Now for the positive example.

  When I was in my twenties, I had a handful of friends whose parents continued to support them years after college. I was so jealous, thinking how lucky they were not to have to worry constantly about paying rent, buying groceries, or putting a little gas in the car. These friends now, though, have achieved almost nothing with their lives. They are apathetic and unmotivated because life has been too comfortable. They were never forced to work, so they’ve never had to think about what their purpose is, what fulfills them. They never learned the social skills to forge connections and put together careers. They didn’t build the mental stamina and physical endurance that comes from a strong work ethic. Now they’re all in their midthirties, and still wondering what the hell they’re about.

  On the other hand, I was pretty much on my own from the age of seventeen. My mom gave me $400 a month toward rent till I was eighteen, and she paid for my therapy until I was twenty-four. (I’ve already made it clear: she thought that was pretty important, God love her.) But that was it. So I was forced to deal with my fear of having nothing. I had to hustle to find work, cope with rejection at job interviews, and learn the skills of communicating and establishing relationships. I had to try different things because my livelihood literally depended on it. Did I get myself into some tough spots? You bet. But I learned how to get myself out of them, too, and now I see exactly what my mother was doing with her tough-love approach.

  Having to make it without any help taught me how to channel fear and use it to fight my way forward.

  FIGHT NIGHT

  Here is one more example, from my martial arts training. (If you’ve heard me tell this story before, tough. It’s appropriate for my point, so I’ll regale you with it one more time.) I was about thirteen, and my parents’ divorce was not even a year old. I had recently lost my beloved grandmother to lung cancer. I was still a heavy kid and very much the “victim” in school. In fact, I was feeling like a victim in my life. So I was not in a good head space. One day I was sparring with my martial arts instructor on what we called “fight night.” (A bunch of the students and black belts would get together and spar.) I was basically a beginner, maybe a blue belt, and I figured he was not really going to hit me hard. It was just practice training. After all, I was a novice and a kid going through a tough time—right? Wrong.

  Suddenly I found myself in a corner getting the crap kicked out of me. Literally one sidekick after another was being delivered right into my stomach. With the wind knocked out of me, I immediately curled into a ball, took cover, and started crying. To my amazement, he did not stop kicking me. Instead he said, “Life is not going to stop knocking the wind out of you. You can pull it together and fight your way out of that corner, or I can break your ribs.” And then he delivered another swift blow to my solar plexus. I promise you this is no exaggeration.

  But in that moment I realized that I couldn’t allow fear to immobilize me. I had to use it as motivation to fight back—and I did. That night I fought my way out of the corner, and I have been doing it ever since.

  Life is not fair, rational, or reasonable. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you are going through—life is merciless, and it’s up to you to either move through fear and rise to life’s terrifying occasions or curl up in a ball and let life beat you down. The decisions we make at these pivotal crossroads define our lives and weave the story of our existence.

  If you learn how to manage fear, how to embrace it, feel it, weigh your course of action in response to it, and then take deliberate steps to move through it and out of it, it can be an amazing source of power.

  SPARE SOME CHANGE?

  Our most destructive fear, one that we all wrestle with, is the fear of change—which is, ironically, the very thing we yearn for the most. Although we all want more out of life, we’re scared of anything that might place us in unknown territory: gaining weight or losing weight, failing or succeeding, getting sick or having a loved one get sick, leaving a dead-end relationship, losing a job, getting old. The list is endless because when you fear change, you fear everything. And by resisting change, you stunt your evolution. Even though change is the only constant in life, we cling to the status quo. Fear is really an indication that you are moving toward change, so it’s really only a natural part of your journey.

  Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You should do something every day that scares you.” Moving into the unknown opens you up to the infinite possibilities that are out there for you. Suppose you are in an unhealthy relationship and you stay in it because you are terrified of being alone. If you can overcome your fear and leave, you open up the emotional space for someone new, someone better to come along. Suppose you’ve left a job that made you miserable, or you’ve been fired, and you’re terrified about how you’re going to make money. If you can overcome your fear, you can seek out new opportunities, and you might just end up with a better gig.

  So don’t run from your fears. You’ll end up running into a wall and getting nowhere.

  Since I can’t put this any better myself, here’s a quote that illustrates my point:

  “Life is perverse in the sense that the more you seek security, the less of it you have. But the more you seek opportunity, the more likely it is that you will achieve the security that you desire.”

  —BRIAN TRACY, INSPIRATIONAL SPEAKER AND AUTHOR

  Have faith. By allowing yourself to be pulled toward the unknown, you create space, literally and figuratively, for good things to come in and shape your life. And that’s what we’re here for, after all.

  The scariest moments in our lives are the ones where we have the greatest opportunities to learn and evolve, so get comfortable with the idea of being a little uncomfortable.

  Here’s a spoiler: your fears will come to pass.

  You will fall on your ass, and you will be rejected. Bad things happen to good people all the time. But so what? You’ve had setbacks in the past, and clearly you’ve survived them. With the right attitude and a few strategies, you can retool your fear mechanisms so that they’re working for you rather than against you. Here are a few exercises to help you build your tolerance for fear, especially fear of the unknown.

  WRESTLING WITH DEMONS

  Often we fear that our own actions will lead to a catastrophic result. This fear can overwhelm you and shut you down, causing you to go into denial and run from your issues. Fear, however, cannot be outrun. Running only makes the situation snowball; the more you run, the bigger the monster gets. Instead, give yourself permission to be afraid. Play out, in your head, the absolute worst thing that could happen, all the way to the very end. Most of the time you will realize that your fear is not based in reality, or that its possible fulfillment is not truly that bad. By exploring your fears in depth, you can analyze the real risks, quiet the irrational aspects, and face what remains head-on.

  WORKING IT OUT

  Take a mo
ment to write down the thing you fear most in life at this very moment.

  Now make a list of all the things that would happen if your fear came true.

  Ask yourself, are these things really that awful? Would you still be thinking about them next month, next year, or in five years? Are they unfixable in the long run?

  WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

  Here’s an example of playing out the worst-case scenario for a fear. A friend of mine was terrified to ask out a girl he liked at work. He really, really liked her, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to approach her. So I sat down with him, and we went through all the possible outcomes together, calmly and rationally. (Okay, I was the calm and rational one, so you know that the guy had it bad.) The conversation went something like this:

  Him: What if I ask her out and she’s not into me?

  Me: What are the consequences of that in your life?

  Him: None, but I’d have to see her at work every day.

  Me: So?

  Him: Well, it’s embarrassing and the whole office will know.

  Me: Is that embarrassment going to kill you?

  Him: No.

  Me: Is it something you can’t get over?

  Him: No.

  Me: Do you really care what the people in your office think about anything other than your work?

  Him: Yes.

  Me: Why?

  Him: Because I want them to like me. I want things at work to be comfortable.

  Me: You are projecting your insecurities onto strangers. If the people in your office think less of you because you asked someone out and didn’t get a positive outcome, are those the people you want in your life anyway? Seriously. Do you want to surround yourself with judgmental people who don’t love or support you when you’re feeling down or vulnerable?

  Him: No.

  Me: Plus, you have true friends. A true friend would support you in that situation and not judge you. I am supporting you and will continue to support you. When people show you who they really are by judging you unfairly, that is a favor they’re doing you, and you have to pay attention.

  Him: Right, I get that.

  Me: So what do you really have to lose? You will take a quick blow to the ego—that’s the worst-case scenario. And what’s that saying? A bad day for the ego is a good day for the soul. It’s true. You will get the benefit of learning a little more about who the people you work with really are, which will help you make informed decisions about who you let into your life. And don’t you think the possibility of things working out in your favor is worth the risk of a little embarrassment? Plus, the kind of emotional stretching that comes with facing fear allows you to gain strength in future endeavors where you’ll need courage.

  Him: Okay, I see your point. I will take the chance and talk to her tomorrow.

  By mapping out the scenario step by step, he was able to weigh the pros and cons rationally. Not only did this preparation help him emotionally for the worst case if it should come to pass, but it also helped him realize how much of his fear was unfounded or negligible compared with the possible reward.

  Other than death, there’s NOTHING we can’t rebound from. And with a little resilience we can and will come out the other end stronger, wiser, and readier than ever to live at our best.

  WHAT’S THE BEST-CASE SCENARIO?

  People don’t generally run toward uncomfortable situations, so another great way to push through fear is to determine the reward that could await you. There is no fear that you can’t overcome if the outcome is worth the risk. Review the fears you wrote down before. But now, instead of imagining all the bad things that could happen, imagine just the opposite, and think of all the great possibilities that could play out.

  Let’s go back to my friend with the office crush.

  Me: Why do you want to ask this girl out?

  Him: I think she’s beautiful. She’s charming, funny, and smart. She always makes everyone in the office smile.

  Me: Okay, so if you ask her and she doesn’t laugh at you, then what happens?

  Him: I guess we go on a date.

  Me: Then what happens?

  Him: I don’t know …

  Me: No. Don’t go to a place of “I don’t know,” or fear. Play it out.

  Him: We go out. We hit it off. She turns out to be the one. We get married. Have two kids. Live happily ever after.

  Me: Wow. Sounds pretty nice. Do you think the possibility of gaining all that is worth risking being turned down or embarrassed in front of a bunch of people you barely know?

  Him: Yes, of course. But it’s more than that. If she says no, I’ll be crushed. Now you’ve got me wanting to marry this girl! The disappointment will be devastating.

  Me: Look, the disappointment is already devastating you, and you haven’t even asked her out yet. Right now you have nothing. This girl is not yours. You’re not dating. For all we know you’re not even on her radar. How can it get more disappointing than that, if what you really want is to be with her?

  Him: Well, at least at the moment we’re friends. If I ask her out and she says no, then it will be awkward, and we won’t even be cool with each other around the office.

  Me: No! That is not the case unless you make it so. If you ask her out and she says no, the way things go from there depends on your actions and your behavior. If she says no and you’re sweet and kind about it and laugh it off, no matter how you feel inside, the awkwardness will pass, and you’ll remain friends. Yes, you’ll be disappointed, but you can talk about that with your friends who love you, with people like me. You deal with it with us, and then you can remain normal with her. Your being weird around her is the only thing that will make her weird around you.

  Him: You have a point.

  Yes, the unknown can be scary, even painful at times. But venturing into it is usually worth the risk. Even if the outcome isn’t what you’d hoped for, you will still take away valuable lessons that can help you grow in other areas of your life. Remember, every action you take plants a seed; if you take that action with a pure intention, it will yield fruit in time. Oh, by the way, my friend from the anecdote above is engaged to the girl. I just love a happy ending.

  WALK IN SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES

  There are people in this world who have lived through the very thing you fear. I guarantee it.

  How did they pull through? What did they do to turn things around? And what could they have done better?

  Stories are a powerful way to effect change, both in others and in ourselves. By closely studying the stories of people who have survived or conquered the thing you fear, you can create a vicarious intellectual and emotional experience of success that will empower you to push through. I use this method a lot when I work with people. For example, on Biggest Loser I make a point of telling them all about my own struggles with body image and weight loss. I walk them through my journey from the beginning to where I am right now. On an emotional level they become invested and go through the journey with me. And then in their moments of uncertainty, they think, If Jillian can do it, so can I.

  A much more powerful example is the show itself. I can’t tell you how many people from around the world e-mail, write letters, write on my Facebook wall, and even come up to me on the street to tell me how much weight they have lost and how their lives have changed “because of the show.” Now, you and I both know the show didn’t lose the weight or change their lives. By watching the show, however, and identifying with the contestants, they went along for the ride as well. They felt the struggles and shared in the successes. If the contestants could do it, so could they. See how this works?

  Knowing how someone else’s shoes feel can help you get in step with your own. Let’s use it to your advantage. Pick a person who has walked before you, and observe closely. If it’s someone well known, read everything you can about them. If it’s not, find out as much as you can through whatever means you can (no stalking, just pay attention). Study their path and their process, a
nd imagine yourself in the same scenarios. Try to do so as vividly as possible.

  This study will help you build a frame of reference for the unknown, so at some level it will become familiar terrain. By living it through someone else’s experience, you will have practiced it mentally, and so when your time comes, you will be less afraid. You’ll have a sense of guidance, almost an internal GPS. No two paths are exactly the same, but having a rudimentary map gives us confidence to forge ahead on our own.

  COME ON, BUDDY

  Pick someone in your life you admire. Your grandfather, an old college professor, a friend—it doesn’t matter who, as long as you have total respect for them and you admire their life or accomplishments. Then when you’re about to take a leap, visualize this person at your side, rooting for you, telling you how much they believe in you. Try it when you ask for a raise, or ask someone on a date, or go for a bank loan to start your small business, or do anything scary that takes you outside your comfort zone. We all need a little encouragement and support sometimes. I’m not saying this should be your sole source of motivation, or that you should be doing anything for other people’s approval, but a little mental backup can go a long way.

  And it really works. Whenever I’m going into a tough situation, I imagine my grandmother watching over me. I feel her with me. I hear her tell me how impressed she is with my courage, and that she loves me no matter what. This helps me push through whatever has me in the grip of fear, because I feel unconditionally loved and supported no matter what the outcome.